June 26, 2019
Twenty years ago, I put on the big, puffy white dress and walked down an aisle to become Denise Sloan. We were young, naive, and in love. We basically had no idea what was ahead for us but nevertheless charged ahead into the world of marriage.
Fast forward to today. We “celebrated” twenty years of marriage with homemade quesadillas and large helpings of watermelon. As I’m typing, my boys are my background noise. Loud and distracting. I’ve traded my white dress for a VBS tshirt and paint splattered shorts.
We’re older, maybe a little wiser, and still in love. We’ve learned a lot with plenty more lessons ahead. These are some of the things I’ve learned. Notice I said “learned.” Not perfected. Not even always attempted. But things that I know. Wish I would have understood many of them years ago as we said “I do.” But then again, learning is part of the whole story.
1. God created marriage.
Okay, I technically knew this before marriage, but the fact that marriage is a beautiful, sacred relationship has been reinforced over the past 20 years. We’ve watched God work in our individual lives and our bond. I’m so thankful that long ago Adam got lonely and wanted a mate.
2. Forgive….often and quickly.
Speaking of Adam and Eve, we all mess up. And if you’re like me, you have to ask for forgiveness on a regular basis. That whole idea about not going to bed angry is a good one. When there’s a wrinkle in the relationship, take a minute to cool off, forgive, and move on.
3. Empty the Vault
For years, we had a joke about the vault I kept. Basically it was a list of ridiculous/stupid things Chris had done. “Oh, this is going in the vault,” I would laugh. And it was a joke. Then one day that verse, “Love keeps no record of wrongs” kinda slapped me in the face. I was convicted and my vault came to mind. I knew I had to empty the vault and my long list that I could hold over Chris’ head. Listen, it’s not easy, but I’m trying to not to keep the list.
4. Laughter is Necessary
Chris and I laugh a lot. Mostly at silly things nobody else would think are remotely funny. He’s the king of corny jokes and I’m the queen of a witty comeback. So it makes a good combo. Life has enough serious moments so we attempt to insert humor when possible.
5. Don’t split a dessert.
This isn’t a joke. Having to share my dessert makes me grumpy, especially if he gets the last bite. Every girl has her limits and this is mine.
6. Agree on the majors.
Chris has admitted before that sometimes we aren’t on the same page. I am quick to correct him that at times we aren’t even in the same book! However, those differences tend to fall in the “minors” category. Miraculously, we have found accord with the majors….church, kids, finances, goals, pizza toppings, etc.
7. But the little things matter!
A check-in text during the day or a joint effort on the last laundry load of the day are the minor moments that keep life afloat. Every night Chris puts a glass of water on my nightstand. He really is the best with the little things. Admittedly, he’s the best at most of this list.
8. No one gets on my nerves more than my husband.
See, he is the best at everything! No one can drive me more crazy or grate my last nerve better than he can. (I’m one thousand percent positive he could say the same about me, but he’s too nice to admit it.) The beauty of marriage is that I keep him around anyway.
9. Wrinkles and gray hair happen.
When I look back at our wedding pictures, gosh, we look like babies. We now have wrinkles (see above for importance of laughter) and gray hair (some covered). Truth is, I like us better now. We’ve loved, laughed, and lived and it shows.
10. Old love is the best.
Nope, we no longer walk around looking googly-eyed at each other. Most mornings begin with a weary-eyed grunt or on a rare day, a “good morning.” It’s not that we don’t want to be our best for each other or that we don’t try or make efforts. It’s just that we’ve seen each other through every emotion. The good. The bad. And the really ugly. We know each other super well. I know what makes him nervous. He knows what ticks me off. We have a history. Memories, times we made it, times we didn’t want to, and the glue that held us together.
11. We can’t read minds.
As much history as we have and as well as we know each other, we don’t have magical powers to read each others’ minds. Isn’t that a relief? That being said, I (really try) not to get bent out of shape when he doesn’t meet an expectation that I had only thought about. I remember the days of saying, “If you loved me, you would know what I wanted.” This man of mine has a lot of talents, but figuring me out isn’t one of them. (Non-important shining example: choosing a place to eat.) It’s better to be honest with each other and just say what you’re thinking.
12. Speak each other’s love language.
Early in our marriage, Chris worked weird hours at work and had a good portion of my work days at home. There was a span of several months that when I came home, he proudly showed off something he had painted. The outbuilding, the porch rails, flower pots, any paintable surface. My response was underwhelming. But he was shouting to me in his language: acts of service. No comprende. I don’t speak that language. I spoke with words of affirmation. Foreign language to Chris Sloan. Eventually we learned each others’ languages. And three kids and piles of laundry later, I am embracing the acts of service. And he has acclimated to my language by nodding more often at all of my words.
13. Become a cheerleader.
While we both have the physical act of being a cheerleader in our past (yes, both of us), being each other’s support is crucial in marriage. Once again, my hubby outshines me here. He encourages and supports me in my efforts like no other.
14. Don’t keep score.
Keep cheering, but don’t bother keeping score. I know that old adage, “Marriage isn’t 50/50, it’s 100/100.” Yep, good advice. Always possible? No. There are times when we pick up each other’s slack. Work demands, schedules, life. It can’t always be balanced, but it can be in rhythm. There’s no way to stay even-Steven if mom’s home all day with the babies. And there’s no way to give 100% if you have a man cold. I kid, I kid.
15. Routines don’t equal ruts.
There’s nothing wrong with predictability and a routine. The perfect ending to my day is a bowl of ice cream and an episode of House Hunters with my main man. There’s assurance in comfort.
16. Prayer is powerful.
Nothing can change the atmosphere in a home like prayer. Blessings, bedtime routines, quick one sentence prayers are all important. But the bond that is created when a husband and wife join hands and pray is unlike any other. Attitudes change. Moods lighten. Arguments end. The two most manliest, husbandish words Chris utters are “Let’s pray.” Words may not be his love language, but that phrase is his best one.
17. Words matter.
I give up. I don’t care anymore. Icy cold silence. These things don’t belong in a marriage.
Instead, insert more: Please. Thank you. You’re the best. Let’s watch football. I love you.
18. Different is good.
For years, I wanted Chris to be more outspoken, more talkative, more emotional, basically, more like me. Why? I’m not sure but I’m guessing I thought that if we were more alike we would get along better. I’ll never forget the night I was washing dishes after we had gotten into a “discussion.” God revealed to me as I scrubbed pots and pans that this marriage didn’t need two mouths the size of mine. I readjusted my desires and found the beauty in opposites attracting.
19. Kids are indescribable.
Indescribably exhausting. Indescribably energetic. Indescribably wonderful. A combination of the husband and wife. Miniature versions of our flawed selves. Yet the ultimate reward of the marriage.
20. We don’t complete each other.
The most important lesson I’ve learned about marriage from these 20 years is that Chris does not complete me. It took me years, I mean years, to understand this concept. I wanted the fairy tale, sweep me off my feet feelings. And I’ve had those. Plenty of those. But as absolutely fantastic as my husband is, he can never complete me. I looked to him too long to fill my voids and seal my happiness. But my completion only comes through my Savior.
How unreasonable for me to ever look to my husband to fulfill roles meant only for the LORD.
Complete joy. Complete peace. Complete love. And plenty of blessings, including my husband.
I have watched both of you grow into responsible adults. Chris was just a young man when we met him at work. He met you and you brought him out of his shy stage. I don’t see him much since we moved but still get a birthday wish. He is always so thoughtful. I love to watch your family grow and hear of their accomplishments. Chris will never forget Carl and his kidney punches.
I learn something new each time I read this…love your words and love you!!!