October 20, 2015

 

The week between the doctor sending me to have it checked and finding out the results was a long one.

 

I watched my world through misty eyes overwhelmed with thankfulness tainted with regret and a sense of fragility I had not known before.

 

 

Walker sat on my mother’s living room floor naively playing with blocks while I quietly told her, “I found a lump.”

 

With that sentence muttered, I anxiously made my way through the next week while she and my little prayer circle made way to their knees.

 

I sat in the exam room wearing a hospital gown and clutching my purse. My leg swung nervously.

 

I spotted them on a corner shelf. Stacks of little pink bags. Very much like the treat bags I’ve sent home with dozens of kids after a birthday party. These were decorated with a ribbon and surely contained helpful information about a diagnosis.

 

How could I walk into the lobby to my waiting husband with one of those bags?

 

“Please God, I don’t want a treat bag.”

 

I had walked in nervously, but stoically. It all just fell apart when the nurse returned a third time for just a different angle. Her kindness could not be matched with my worry as I began to cry.

 

“Honey, I know it hurts. We’re almost finished.”

 

"It’s just nerves," I explained. The pain was secondary. It was the “what if’s” that crushed me.

 

I returned to the lobby, empty handed, to my husband. I’ve never seen such a look of relief on his face. And I was relieved. My mom rejoiced as did others who were waiting for the “all clear” texts we sent.

 

A collective sigh of relief.

 

And yet as we all exhaled, I remembered. Those little bags. Many had already been sent home with other nervous hands while others with sweaty palms were still to receive theirs. The fact was not lost on me.

 

We’ll never be able to figure it out. Why some of us walk back into the lobby ready to rejoice while others receive words that turn their world upside down.

 

So when I remember my week of waiting and wondering, I remember you. The ones who were handed a bag and along with it, teary days and sleepless nights, questions that go unanswered, and pain of the body and emotions.

 

I see you, brave one, who fights every day. You are loved. You are not forgotten.

 

 

I went through this situation earlier in the year. My desire is to show support for those who have fought and continue to do so.

Comments  

# Traci Fox 2015-10-20 08:48
How beautifully you've shared such a personal moment. I'm touched and tearfully giving thanks you didn't get a little bag.
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# Denise 2015-10-20 21:12
Thank you! Continuing prayers for your family.
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# Becky Wright 2015-10-20 15:13
Thank you for sharing[censored]nise. I know the feeling. I have a mammogram every year (since I was 40 -1991-and they found the first lump- calcium). then in 2006, had to have the steriotactic biopsy to remove two lumps. That was a long, painful week. Thank goodness Heather went with me for that result and it was a relief once again. No problems until this summer and I was called back to repeat, not once, not twice, but 4 mammograms all the same morning. If you don't think that shakes your faith a little.... a sweet nurse saw tears in my eyes waiting on the results from the 4th one and hugged me and prayed with me. I felt a sense of relief. Then once again the results were good. A shadow is what they were seeing... or so they said. I say a wo[censored]rful nurse prayed it away. I had not told any in my family not wanting them to worry until there was a reason. Once again, I say nurses ROCK!!! and Christian nurses ROCK HEAVEN!! So happy for your good news!!
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# Denise 2015-10-20 21:14
Becky, sorry you've had to go through the anxiety of waiting. Thankful for the relief you received! Love you.
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# Hope 2015-10-20 18:30
I am so thrilled with you on your news! God has given you such a heart for others, like mother, like daughter!zpz
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# Denise 2015-10-20 21:15
Thanks Hope!
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# cindy 2015-10-21 08:34
Hugs.
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